For anyone following Rambler's 'Twitter' updates and blog over the last few days, you'd have picked up about enough drama to make the writers of 'Brothers and Sisters' envious... I felt really bad for him as he had to deal with a breakup that thankfully did not include me in the firing line.
As a follow on, to my post, 'Somebody' on Sunday (geepers, has it been that long already!), you'll note I never used the 'E' word.
On Facebook, one's not that lucky - there are but a few relationship statuses; hmmm, or is that 'stati' - I never can be sure? - I digress!
So - I innocently changed my status from 'In a Relationship' to 'Engaged' to better describe where we had decided to take our relationship (CV knew about it beforehand of course) - and so the floodgates opened! We both were inundated with comments: comments on photo's, comments on status updates, 'wall-to-wall' messages and e-cards. There were even messages from people I've never met, and some folks to whom I've never come out to.
Now, in spite of an apparent desire to draw attention to ourselves (being a DJ or an Actor in CV's case requires one standing up in front of sometimes thousands of people and doing ones 'show'), I think it would be fair to say we were pretty much overwhelmed.
There have been two things that have stuck me though - women and gay men, in general have few problems with the idea of two guys being 'engaged'. Straight men on the other hand - do. Both my brother and dad are battling with the idea.
My dad's quizzed look at the ring on my finger (appreciate here that he's 82) and gentle words of 'assurance' and caution, spoke volumes between the lines, and my brother far less tactful told me about how he went to a friends wedding in the UK and how he thought it was weird. Now, not being a fool, I've picked up on their difficult in dealing with it. They're not the only one's of course, a lot of my male friends - some of whom I consider quite close - have not said a word. Make no mistake, I don't resent it, not one little bit. But, it has made me acutely aware that the concept of gay men being 'engaged' and by implication 'married' really is a difficult concept for a lot of people.
I've been 'out' since I was 25. Most of the guys I'm referring to have known since then. And, till now, I've never seriously picked up that they may have some issue - with gay relationships, crossing into the realm of straight relationships.
I'm not obviously gay - so for a lot of folks, the fact that I like guys much more than girls is not so difficult to handle. In fact, I've even imagined myself a poster-child for gay rights groups as 'so not the stereotype'. But, because I've largely averted any sense of bigotry that comes with being gay and the fact that we have the constitution we do, I think I'd be safe in saying I've felt somewhat disconnected to the gay-rights issue. Rambler has spoken at length about being and ex-ex-gay Christian and more recently about marriage - and I'll admit at times, even I've been just a little 'over' his very thought provoking discussions (after all, we do love to laugh don't we?).
For the first time in my life, I've glimpsed why gay people are so vocal and militant about rights. The silence from some quarters has hit me like... what cheezy line fits best here? Well, the silence hit me none the less.
Both CV and I feel the term "Engaged" is for straights (and I never use the word straights with mallice/stereotype in mind - it's just the opposite of gay). It's a religious word, wrapped up in pseudo-political robes and it's not one we're entirely comfortable using for now.
So, what's in a word? What word that better describes, two people, willingly entering into a long term committed relationship? What word better describes how they intend to hold onto their reationship for dear life and face the challenges together? What word makes one better aware that there will be times when your views differ so much that you'll have to work through them in order to keep it together?
What's in a word, I ask - what's in a word?
As a follow on, to my post, 'Somebody' on Sunday (geepers, has it been that long already!), you'll note I never used the 'E' word.
On Facebook, one's not that lucky - there are but a few relationship statuses; hmmm, or is that 'stati' - I never can be sure? - I digress!
So - I innocently changed my status from 'In a Relationship' to 'Engaged' to better describe where we had decided to take our relationship (CV knew about it beforehand of course) - and so the floodgates opened! We both were inundated with comments: comments on photo's, comments on status updates, 'wall-to-wall' messages and e-cards. There were even messages from people I've never met, and some folks to whom I've never come out to.
Now, in spite of an apparent desire to draw attention to ourselves (being a DJ or an Actor in CV's case requires one standing up in front of sometimes thousands of people and doing ones 'show'), I think it would be fair to say we were pretty much overwhelmed.
There have been two things that have stuck me though - women and gay men, in general have few problems with the idea of two guys being 'engaged'. Straight men on the other hand - do. Both my brother and dad are battling with the idea.
My dad's quizzed look at the ring on my finger (appreciate here that he's 82) and gentle words of 'assurance' and caution, spoke volumes between the lines, and my brother far less tactful told me about how he went to a friends wedding in the UK and how he thought it was weird. Now, not being a fool, I've picked up on their difficult in dealing with it. They're not the only one's of course, a lot of my male friends - some of whom I consider quite close - have not said a word. Make no mistake, I don't resent it, not one little bit. But, it has made me acutely aware that the concept of gay men being 'engaged' and by implication 'married' really is a difficult concept for a lot of people.
I've been 'out' since I was 25. Most of the guys I'm referring to have known since then. And, till now, I've never seriously picked up that they may have some issue - with gay relationships, crossing into the realm of straight relationships.
I'm not obviously gay - so for a lot of folks, the fact that I like guys much more than girls is not so difficult to handle. In fact, I've even imagined myself a poster-child for gay rights groups as 'so not the stereotype'. But, because I've largely averted any sense of bigotry that comes with being gay and the fact that we have the constitution we do, I think I'd be safe in saying I've felt somewhat disconnected to the gay-rights issue. Rambler has spoken at length about being and ex-ex-gay Christian and more recently about marriage - and I'll admit at times, even I've been just a little 'over' his very thought provoking discussions (after all, we do love to laugh don't we?).
For the first time in my life, I've glimpsed why gay people are so vocal and militant about rights. The silence from some quarters has hit me like... what cheezy line fits best here? Well, the silence hit me none the less.
Both CV and I feel the term "Engaged" is for straights (and I never use the word straights with mallice/stereotype in mind - it's just the opposite of gay). It's a religious word, wrapped up in pseudo-political robes and it's not one we're entirely comfortable using for now.
So, what's in a word? What word that better describes, two people, willingly entering into a long term committed relationship? What word better describes how they intend to hold onto their reationship for dear life and face the challenges together? What word makes one better aware that there will be times when your views differ so much that you'll have to work through them in order to keep it together?
What's in a word, I ask - what's in a word?
personally i prefer 'committed' to engaged. for myself. although i don't have a problem with engaged. i have never seen it as having religeous connotations, though.
ReplyDeletehey, having happiness is difficult enough. who are we to judge where anyone finds it...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteFrank J, wait until you actually get married.
ReplyDeleteWhen you get married they will ask you to choose between being in a "marriage" or a "civil partnership" on your certificate.
The word "marriage" is still too much to bare for most heterosexuals even more than the word "engaged". That's why I now choose to refer to my partner as my husband. The more people hear it, the less odd it will sounds. And the more I say it the more I will claim the word and meaning of marriage have for me and my husband.
You can't blame other people (straight people) for their reactions, the sanctity of marriage used to only belong to them, now they have to share it with us who do not fit into their mold of the perfect nuclear family.
I hear you Pierre...
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what this post was about. It's new territory for me.
Thanks for the comment ;0)