knowing me... a-ha?

Someone near and very dear asked me why I've not been blogging...

The truth is, I can't really be sure. I'm in a funny place in my head at the moment and feeling kind of um... restless, like I'm not fulfilling something I'm meant to be doing. It may pass and writing about it may add some clarity to the matter... for me as much as you. And before anyone sees some sort of drama on the cards, let me move swiftly to put everything into its place.

I have been in with CV for just over a year now and the whole experience has been illuminating in so many ways, I can't even begin to describe. I could so easily get gushy right now, but I shant - because there's been other sides to knowing him and that's what today's post is all about.

Let's tentatively call the side I'm now referring to as 'the activist'. 'The activist' has changed my understanding of being a gay man. His experiences with the ex-gay ministry as laid bare in many a personal conversation, quite a bit of writing in his blog, as well as some of his personal diaries has moved me to try to understand myself better. This is not to say I previously didn't have a fair grasp of who I am. But, in my openly gay but somewhat 'closeted' recent past, I was all about work. Blooms and beats dominated just about everything I did... so much so there was not much time for anything in between.

This past year has seen me blossom in a way that was totally unexpected. Argh! I hate to use flowery terms - but that's what come off the fingertips, so I'll stick with it. My exposure to the 'activist' has partly driven my own recent explorations.

So I've been reading quite a bit. You may or may not have read my recent post on gay superheroes. That required tons of reading.

And then of course there's CV's award winning blog and other blogs on the gay experience.

I've reading 'The Velvet Rage' by Alan Downs. It's made me emotional and sometimes angry. It's revealing without being particularly instructive or helpful (so far). But it has rapidly changed the way I perceive myself and most other gay men. I won't recommend it yet - the jury is still out for me.

Knowing 'the activist' got me reading up even more on the story of Harvey MILK, slamming PRIDE - and then thinking about it a little bit more. Undertaking researching and ultimately deepening my understanding of the history of the gay rights movements (and the importance of Drag queens) and where gay rights are going now.

It's also lead to debating in sometimes very lively discussions gay marriage, being publicly gay and changing societal norms.

And I've been... consuming ('cause watching would be far too soft a verb) the 1st season of the US version of Queer as Folk. Although it was launched in 2000 and has become somewhat of a cult classic among gay men the world over, I couldn't watch it on my Zone 2 DVD system. The problem's been solved recently thanks to the suggestion of one of my many 'techno whizz' friends. It's fascinating. I totally relate to some aspects and can't believe others. It's a gritty candid drama about gay men and I think it's brilliant. There's four seasons to go after this. At least I'll have all of them on hand when I want to tuck into the next batch.

And finally - linking my recently awoken passion for reading, writing, the drama of the comic book hero and QAF (there's a comic book link developing), I just bought a few pencils and eraser to take up something I've not done seriously since high school... drawing.

I wanted to become a designer once upon a time. And a musician. And an author. And an entrepreneur. And a radio presenter using my influence to make positive changes (but not a politician - because I'm a lousy liar). And a priest (yes - even a priest).

Which brings me right back to the beginning again. I'm in a funny place in my head at the moment still restless. I can't shake the feeling that I'm not fulfilling something "greater", that I'm meant to be doing.

Ok, so it hasn't passed by writing about and I can't claim any further clarity on the matter... Maybe I should blog more frequently to express the things I feel I need to. Maybe, that's the way we change the world - one post, drawing and song at a time.

Ciao4Now